N ow I am not claiming to be a perfect human being and there is no doubt during my lifetime I have reacted in a way that generated hostility toward me, usually in response to some verbal or physical attack but my actions may not have been the best approach to a resolution. However, I still have never understood as a teenager, a young adult or a grown man why some people have hate in their heart for other human beings.
When I was a young boy I was bullied beyond your imagination. I was called names, very vulgar names and was subjected to physical abuse, this abuse wasn’t directed to just me, my abusers also made jokes about my family, about the fact that we were poor and didn’t have trendy clothes to wear or the latest style of shoes, but I powered forward.
I remember vividly being held down by a group of boys and had fireworks placed down the back of my pants and the burns it left on my skin. I remember working as a young man to help my family make enough money to feed our family, pay rent, pay the electric bill and while I was working the kids from my school would come to where I worked and make jokes about me in front of my fellow co-workers.
I remember walking the hallways of my school and being pushed and shoved by the kids, having my textbooks taken away and thrown into the trash. I remember when the teacher asked questions in the classroom and I wanted to answer a question and knew the right answer but was terrified to respond because I would be beaten up after class for my knowledge.
I remember all of these things, but what I can’t understand about any of these experiences is why? Why did these young people despise me so much simply because of who I am?
I found a world of acceptance and socialization. I found a world where I could learn and experience friendship. I found a place where I could be a man, but I didn’t find me.
I knew without a doubt that the hate would continue, the verbal and physical abuse would remain a part of my world unless I pretended to be a man I was not, you see I had to live a life that was not true, not genuine, I had to pretend. I successfully fulfilled this task and lived a life for a few years pretending to be someone I was not and made many friends who never knew the real me.
It was a very sad and horrible experience. I was very popular, I had many friends and I was able to get the best jobs during my college years because of my status at school and my relationships with the right people.
But the reality was, everything about me during that time was false, fake, not real. I was pretending and the people who thought they knew who I was as a person, as a friend, didn’t know me at all. There was no doubt in my mind if they knew the real me, the genuine me . . . they would hate me too!
I had to live, or I had to die. I wanted to live; I wanted to embrace the man that God created. I wanted to be loved for who I was, how I was born, and the good deeds I wanted to provide to my fellow man.
I didn’t want to be loved for the person I was pretending to be and I didn’t want to be hated for the person I was; I wanted to be loved for who I am! I never made a decision to be gay; I don’t have a preference about my sexuality.
When people say to me how did you know you were gay? I ask them how did you know you were straight? When men ask me why are you attracted to men? I ask them why are you attracted to women? This is something that we as human beings do not choose. We do not make choices about our sexuality, it is something inside us that is created when we are born, and it is part of the human being God made.
So when you choose to hate a person because they are gay I don’t understand your hate. I don’t understand why hate exists at all, why people hate someone because the color of their skin is different, why people hate someone because the person speaks a different language, why people hate someone because we pray to God in a different way, why people hate because their neighbor doesn’t have enough money to live in a bigger house or drive a fancy car.
Why do people hate? I will never understand the concept, because if we just extended our hand in friendship, we would realize that all anyone wants in life is to be accepted.
I am the luckiest man alive because through all the hate, I found love. To find love you must live, you must be genuine and you must be whom God made you. I pray for those of you who read these words and are experiencing hate in your life, I pray your family will embrace you and provide you a world of peace and comfort, I pray you will realize it is better to be loved for who you are than to be loved for pretending to be someone you are not.
Hate will never go away, or at least it has never gone away for me, but I still believe in God and I still believe the world is a good and a beautiful place created just for us.
I am a man, so you can call me any name you want, you can call me a faggot, you can call me a maricon, you can call me a freak, a degenerate, abnormal, you can all me anything you want because we all know the only reason you call me or anyone else names is to make yourself feel better about the sins you commit yourself!
You do this so you can convince yourself that God will ignore your transgressions if the world is focused on what you believe are mine. The Lord does not work that way, you know it and I know it, we all know we must all answer for our own actions and for the record...judging others is committing sin! Only God may judge us, and he will judge us. I am comfortable and confident that the Lord will forgive my transgressions because I have accepted Jesus Christ as my savior and protector, I have asked him to forgive my transgressions, I hope you have too!
Why do people hate, I have no idea but I do know God gave us life, not to hate, but to love. So for those of you who continue to call me vulgar names, hate me for who I am . . . my only question is, why do you hate?